Does It Matter?



     Why is it that folks have to rob people of a perfectly miserable feeling? Why is it that if I'm angry and frustrated, you must hold me down and forcibly blow sunshine up my backside?
     People do that. They do it all the time. Lately, it's been happening every day.

     Allow me to explain.

     I am divorced. I am divorced from a selfish, unkind, lazy crap-weasel who can't manage his own life or co parent our children. I'm not over dramatizing this. Is it right for me to put this out in a public forum? Absolutely not. Do I care any more? Absolutely not.

     Most recently, and as my illness has gotten worse, my ex has decided that in the event of my death, another person (with whom I have no blood or romantic ties), should have guardianship of our kids. If you don't think that that sucks, then you suck. As I have dealt with my anger, I have stated that I wish I had never met him. It's true. Where's the Blue Genie when you need him? Almost every time I say this, some well meaning person "lovingly" chastises me and informs me that I couldn't have my beautiful kids without him. I am often forced to sit through long lectures on how that brain dead ass-jerk was required in order for me to have my kids.

    You know what? Maybe that's true. And maybe it's not. And for damn sure, it doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T FREAKING MATTER! If wishing that I'd been run over by a car instead of meeting that fool makes me feel better, why can't I wish that? Why do you care?Hating him doesn't mean I hate my kids. Wanting him to prove that the planet is flat by stepping off of the edge of it doesn't make me an unloving mom. I'm angry. I'm angry for me. I'm more angry for my kids. I'm angry for him because he used to not suck and people used to like him.

     I wish I never met him.

     I wish that on our second date, when he said " I have made the conscious decision to not have children", I had believed him. I wish I would have moved on. I wish that when he was cruel and unkind to me 45 minutes into our wedding reception, I would have walked away and annulled the whole damn thing.
Why does that bother you? Why does it matter? Why can't you please just remove your sunshine from my butt?